I’m going to share with you some of my feelings and ideas about overly religious woman and dating. This blog post may be all over the place, but it is something that women of faith need to hear.
I remember when I was dating my husband in the beginning. And because we met in a church, some people thought that we spent hours on the phone talking about God, Jesus, the Holy Bible…lol no. While those may have been aspects of our conversation, the great deal of what we talked about was spent on getting to know each other as a person. We talked about music, books, and life.
We both knew that if we were going to entertain being together for a really long time, we would have to make sure that we were compatible and had more in common than just our faith.
I want to introduce a theory to you – one that I think will help you to better understand how hiding behind your faith can be detrimental to your dating life.
If in dating, the two people inside the dating experience were a Shirt, the label on the shirt would be what the two people stand for, and the shirt itself would be who those people really are.
Many women of faith today, lead with the label of their shirt in dating, instead of allowing a man to get to know the real them so that they can see if their shirt, as in who they really are as a woman, is a good fit for that man. And because these women are so afraid to share their truth and their authenticity – or for some, they don’t even know who they are, they end up manless and alone.
When I think about faith and people, I think about Shirts and Labels. The Label is what you stand for, and the Shirt is who you are.
When me and my husband first started dating, the label only told us what we stood for, what we believed, and our stance on different socioeconomic issues. However, if we were really going to get to know each other, we had to try on the shirt.
My husband had to get to know as much about me (the Shirt) as possible.
He came to me seeing my label and what I stood for – that I loved God and people, and that I tried my best to do right by them. But he also went beyond the label of getting to know me as a person, and found out that I was a huge movie buff that he could veg out with until 2am over $30 dollars of Taco Bell. (This is only one of my many talents).
My husband didn’t just look at the label of what I stood for. He tried on the shirt. He saw that it was comfy. He saw that it felt snug. He saw that aside from my spiritual practice and beliefs, that I had my own likes, dislikes, preferences, and opinions as a woman. He saw that my Shirt was comfortable for him and made of cotton – and that the fit was just right. He didn’t just look at the label and say, “It’s Gucci – I’ll buy it”. He got to know the shirt.
Leading with your label in dating will leave you single. How is a man ever supposed to purchase you (the shirt), if he never knows the real you and how you fit?
I understand that it can be difficult to balance your faith and your authenticity as a woman and a believer.
So many times when you are a woman of faith, people either want to put you into one of two categories..a Holy Roller or a Jezebel, and this way of thinking is what strips you from your ability to be your true and authentic self in the dating process so that you can see if the relationship and the man is a good fit for you.
I went through this in the beginning of my dating process as a Single as well. Be politically and spiritually correct they say…but what if being politically, socially, and spiritually correct means living a lie, and putting on a face in the morning that isn’t you or anything that looks like you?
So, when it comes to Crystal, do you want to know what I say? ..And feel free to adopt this if it resonates with who you really are and your spirit…
I say, Yes I love God. But I am also a woman.
Yes I am grounded in morality, ethics, and work hard to remain in alignment with my true nature, all that is good, and positivity as a whole. Yes I thank God when I wake up in the morning, and yes I look at my children and know that they couldn’t have come from any place lower than heaven.
But I am also a woman. I think my husband is fine. Idris Elba is my TV Star husband if anything ever happened to my husband, and don’t you dare bother telling him I said that, because he already knows. We’ve already had this conversation. (lol, he does seriously know though).
Yes, I love to laugh with my girlfriends over an inside joke and a glass of Pink Moscato. I feel that I am being more truer to my God, myself, and the people around me when I take off the mask that everyone else deems is appropriate, and decide to live my truth out loud.
And do you want to know what the crazy thing is? I don’t even think that my God is mad or upset about it! I think God is looking at me like..finally! It’s about time, girl. Now you can breathe. Now I can use you to be real and ignite real and irrevocable change in woman and their relationships!
My point to you is this: When you date, there is nothing wrong with saying that you are God’s, but make sure that the man you are dating knows the woman behind the faith. Do not hide behind your faith, or that man will never get to know the real you.
If you think that you are doing this – leading with your Label on dates instead of with your Shirt, I am here to tell you that hiding who you are will not help you – and not knowing who you are will not help you either.
Real men that want to live a true and honest marriage, will want to try on the shirt.
A real man looking for a real marriage, will want a woman of substance beyond the label.
But if the label is all you lead with, then he will never purchase you.
This is why so many times women with no faith seem to attract men that want real and long lasting relationships and end up getting married quicker than women in the faith – because often times, they are more real. They give men the functionality and convenience of having a real life partner instead of just a label. Essentially, they are a whole and functional Shirt that a man can really wear and spend his life with.
How would you like a life size cut out of a man that only said I love Jesus all day, but you could never relate to? Yeah, I don’t think that idea would be too appetizing.
You want a husband. Someone that you can relate to and talk your day over with. Someone that can love God, but understand that you are both living in the real world with a real marriage and a real life dealing with real issues.
As a woman of faith, you have to learn how to balance what you stand for with who you are – and you cannot allow either one to take over.
Do you wanna know why? Because both are important. If you were supposed to be all faith, then you wouldn’t be here on this planet. And if you were supposed to be all woman, then you wouldn’t have God in your heart. So your job is to maintain a perfect balance between the two so that you can operate on this planet and be effective. You need God to shine, and God needs you so that others can see the light.
If you are going to attract a good man, you are going to have to stop hiding behind the mask of your faith and understand that your faith is just the label – as in, a statement of what you stand for and what you believe, but it is not who you are.
In dating, it is important to share with your man the special things about you – like the fact that you love Comedies, you love the smell of scented candles burning in your house, or that you have a thing for Action movies. In dating, it is important to reveal the true You.
Men don’t marry labels. At least, not the ones that want to get married for the right reasons anyway. The only men that marry labels, are the ones that want to use women for ‘show’ and validation. Meaning, he only wants to flaunt the fact that he purchased the Label: Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vuitton, but he may not really be all that into the Shirt itself. Get it? Never forget that.
When you, as a woman, lead with a label, you attract a man that only wants to look the part, and not truly be it.
Take off the mask. There is a difference between what you stand for and who you are. Embrace both. Show the world both. Be her.
Every real good man wants a real good woman.
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